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[08 Feb 2005|09:10am]
[ mood | silly ]

Your Inner Gangsta by crash_and_burn
What is yo name?
Yo gangsta name beLos Pantalones
You ride around in a2004 BMW 530
Yo gangThe Mafia
Yo shoes beRed and white Nike Dunk-Lows
Yo dubs be dis big, fool4,686
How much money you got?$1.68317205626454e+26
How gangsta are you, bitch?: 86%
Quiz created with MemeGen!

haha i'm in a gang called Los Pantalones and i'm 86% gangsta. how can someone be a gangsta while being in a gang called "the pants?" yeah bitches. come and get some. hmphy pants.
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fragments of puzzles [25 Jan 2005|01:11am]
[ mood | irate ]

i'm so frustrated by boys. they're annoying. anyway i was a little angry after italian class. but i have my reasons. i'm really trying to not let it get to me, but i'm a little irritated. which is understandable right? yes, alicia keep writing journals to yourself. you seem completely sane.
i'm glad ben called. he cheered me up. he's so funny. well you know, when he wants to talk. which has been more often lately.
i wish mel would hang out with me not just for the pot. it's so boring at times, but i know she doesn't have a lot of money to go places. i don't want to make her feel bad because she can't do anything.
i need to find a fake id to visit amanda. hmm. they're so expensive and such a hassle to get, but at least once i get one i can hang out with people here. why does everyone have to be so old here? and why do they have to be alcoholics? poop.
i'm tired. nighty night.

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[10 Dec 2004|02:44pm]
[ mood | distressed ]

i'm really tired and drained. it's like even when i try, i fail. nothing is ever good enough. i just want one day where someone doesn't yell at me.

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[03 Dec 2004|04:48pm]
[ mood | weird ]

trying not to think about it, but it's in the back of my mind.
i think i've lost all my confidence over the summer.
one boy should never have so much infulence.
so i'm scared.
my heart can't be broken again.it's already in fragments.
but at least I HAVE my heart.instead of someone else.
yes. that's it.
why would a boy like me anyway? i'm completely uninteresting, i'm fat, and i have acne.
penis in your wenis.
there are so many other girls out there who are prettier and more interesting.
well that's my low self-esteem post for a good month. i hope everyone enjoyed it.

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[24 Nov 2004|03:41pm]
[ mood | worried ]


what if everything is for nothing?

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[10 Nov 2004|10:39pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

arg. my cheerios are soft now.

anyway i feel like i'm in highschool.

boys never like me anyway. so i'm not going to think about it further.

maybe if my butt weren't as wide. right well it's not gonna be any thinner. ever. so this is me accepting my arse.

i'm getting a hair cut next week. yay. woo haircut. woo.

things are good. i don't know why, but they are.

then there was nothing left to write.

i miss my woot.


4 comments|post comment

[13 Oct 2004|03:40am]
[ mood | busy ]

i wish i enjoyed cooking. it take too much preparation and patience.

i don't have enough time for riley doo and sophie mofie. i need a doggie walker.

i'm tired of writing this paper. i feel like i've written it a hundred times before.

i want to go to Australia for the study abroad program, but who would watch my puppies.

pewp. philly was fun. Probably the first time i've ever said that.

now i know who the people are that really matter.


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i love the spice girls [29 Sep 2004|10:58pm]
[ mood | amused ]

do do do do....do do do do...

so things are okay...could be better, but i'll settle for now.

my italian professor calls me alice. i think she's just lazy. i mean alicia is a hard name to say. it's so long. not. i hate the name alice too. it's so boring and ugly. i'd rather be named abigail or "special" than alice. BAHH.

hmm i like jimbo's, people are nice. but everyone's a vegetarian there. i feel so boring. not that i'm a vegetarian so that i can be cool or something, but...yeah it's a good thing. nevermind.
i love people like me. it's great. also known as boring.

i really really want to get my temples piercey pierced, but it'll never happen. :(

so i think when i go to philly dilly i'll get....hmm.perhaps my earsie or... ooo i thought of something. another 2 sternums, but it'll be on the sides, so like in my (lack of) cleavage area but i want it done with eyebrow things like with my surface piercing next to my ear. but i doubt infinite will do it cause they're lame and they think they're too cool for school. but i have news for them. they arn't.

anyway. i'm tired.


1 comment|post comment

i hate this. [14 Sep 2004|09:30pm]
[ mood | melancholy ]

i hate that i talk to my mom through an email now.
i hate that i'm thinking about all the things i regret in my life.
i hate that i actually have things to regret.
i hate that i put up with crap for so long.
i hate that i'm not moved on.
I hate that i might never be moved on.
i hate that the mere thought of moving on upsets me.
i hate that i cry.
i hate that nothing matters.
I hate that i keep typing "I hate that"

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there are things that used to make me smile. [13 Sep 2004|12:46am]
[ mood | confused ]

what do i want. what do i want.

i want to be happy.
i want to get an a in italian and english.
i want to be in love.

with that said.

moving on. woop woop. or i mean woot woot. WOOT!!!!!!

friends. christmas hang out. no talking.


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meh [10 Sep 2004|04:47pm]
[ mood | sore ]

i don't know if i have the patience to write anything, but i'll try. mostly because i havn't written anything in a while. so cali is cali, i don't people are nice and stuff, but people are people. and i realize that people were nice in philly dilly too. i miss my friends. i have a hard time trusting people so anyone i meet i ccan't seem to believe they're my friends. this was my problem at templey wempley. bah i miss jeneezie wezie. i think i would have stayed if things were clearer back in march, but then again it is nice to go to the beachy beach everyday and have it always be sunny.

i realized yesterday why i wake up in the morning and why i live. the sunset was beautiful. the sun setting wasn't so much beautiful as were the clouds in the sky. it seemed as though the sun was reflecting upon the clouds to show the perfect combination of colors. of pinks and yellows and blues and greys. and the clouds were everywhere stretching for miles.

i need a job. i'm getting bored with this no-working deal. plus i can't buy anything. poop. and i want to get my hair did and my nails and pay off my credit cardys. damnit. why don't people want to hire me. HIRE ME!!!!!! CALL ME!!!!!!! let me work for you and you pay me!!!!

i decided i'm not gonna close off all contact, but i am gonna try to forget and live my life the best i can. he doesn't deserve me, so i've been told, but i'm stupid and i think i'm not worth anything at times.

riley is getting big. super. he's a little poop. sometimes i want to take a knife and... nevermind. he's adorable and i loveeee my little boo boo.

i'm trying to be vegan, but it's insanely difficult especially with my love of pizza and all cheese products. i know it takes time so i'm not expecting to be vegn overnight, but hopefully soon. i bought vegan cookbooks and lots of vegan products. i had a delicious vegan peanut butter chocolate cake the other day. mmmmmmmmmmmmm. i could eat that everyday, except it was pretty rich, but mmmmmmmmmm.

okay well i'm tired of typing so goodbye.

2 comments|post comment

BAH [28 Jun 2004|12:34pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]


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just stop [07 May 2004|04:43pm]
[ mood | tired ]

i'm so tired. i just want this to stop. i havn't gotten sleep in so long. i miss my bed. i just want there to be a day when nothing will be expected from me. go here, do this. stop. all that i end up doing is disappointing people.

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[19 Apr 2004|05:21pm]
[ mood | sad ]

when all you get out of a relationship is pain and or added insecurities, what should one do? he's everything i want, but a complete ass. if i get compared to one more girl i'm gonna scream. if he makes fun of one more of my body parts, i guess i'll scream again. he's so up and down. one minute he's like blahblahblah you're beautiful, then the next he asks me why i can't be cute like one of his friends. what the fuck. just pick one and stick with it cause that will make my decision so much easier. even if i tell him something it goes in one ear and out the other. he doesn't care about anything i have to say, just about what he's gonna say after i'm done talking. he needs so much fucking attention, i don't think i can do it. stupid only children.

on top of that my dad is leaving saturaday, and for some reason i feel like he's leaving me. forever. even though i know he's my dad and that would never happen; it just feels like it's the end of my childhood or my life at home and from now on, i'm on my own.

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afraid to fly [19 Mar 2004|08:36pm]
[ mood | calm ]

i've made some realizations.
- i set myself up for failure by never doing my homeworkor never doing things i'm supposed to. so i end up feeling so bad about not doing my homework or things that i make myself into a failure. and become depressed.
- i don't call people for certain reasons. when i'm depressed i won't call anyone till i figure things out in my life or i won't call them because i don't want them to worry about my problems. other times it's because i don't feel worthy enough or because i can't talk in the first place, but as always it depends on the person.
- i hate being in the center of attention so i won't tell my friends about things that go on in my life.
- i hate being hypocritical, yet i always am.
- i'm not an idiot sometimes.
- i don't like to drink, unless it's one or two beers.
- i've given up a lot of myself in order to fit.

today or tomorrow things are changing. OR ELSE.

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she says, "life sucks, get over it." [16 Mar 2004|03:29pm]
[ mood | confused ]

everyone was happy today. maybe it was the snow or maybe it was the cold rain upon their faces, but it seems that they were better off looking at the bright side of things when the earth is so cold and ugly.
maybe it was the rain for me. sometimes the water weighs down my mind and heart so much so that i cannot function without thinking i'd be happier if i were asleep. i woke up determined, but i'll be leaving dissappointed and apathetic.
it's like every season is my different mood.

"there were days when she was unhappy, she did not know why- when it did not seem worth while to be glad or sorry, to be alive or dead, when life appeared to her like a grotesque pandemonium and humanity like worms struggling blindly toward inevitable annihilation. she could not work on such a day, nor weave fancies to stir her pulses and warm her blood."

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so i suck [07 Mar 2004|08:40pm]
[ mood | guilty ]

so i'm terrible, i'm an absolutely terrible friend who doesn't call, and doesn't care, and cancells plans and the list goes on.
how come everyone can just cast me off as being the bad guy? how come no one cares? how come everything is about everyone else? i love all my friends and sometimes i try and sometimes i don't, but just because i don't like talking on the phone or being around people constantly should not make me a terrible friend. the people that truely love me and understand me are the only ones i care about. i can't help it, i'm naturally anti-social to begin with and then other things play a part. and i can't help that i don't want to talk about what happens in my life with everyone or anyone all the time. i like to keep some things to myself. i like to deal with my problems by myself. plus i never believe that anyone wants to hear my problems. then when i find someone i can truely confide in, they just end up leaving me for greater things or just other things. so i'm starting to think that maybe the reason why i don't call people is because i'm afraid of being rejected. that combined with laziness must equal a terrible friend.
whats funny is that my new year's resolution was to be a better friend. wow i certainly achieved that. right.
or just failed at it.
i wish i could be a good friend. and i think i am sometimes. sometimes i try, i honestly try being a good friend, but it only last a little while. like today i called all these people, i'm soo proud of myself, but i know tomorrow i won't beable to do it.
secondly i didn't know calling a person meant you were a good friend. i'd rather have someone who i could talk to about anything and understand me, than a person that called me all the time.
damnit, i know i shouldn't be playing the sympathy card, but it's my natural reaction. i have to defend myself.
bah i'd rather just hang out with sophie, at least she'll always love me no matter how i act on a particular day she'll still come over and love me. i'm sure i'll get over this.

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[13 Nov 2003|11:56pm]
[ mood | blank ]

i want boobies. yes i do. i want boobies. how about you?

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goodbye [13 Nov 2003|11:55pm]
[ mood | blank ]

why does everyone leave me? i know they need to find something better or they're unhappy, but why does it always have to be me? why can't i leave? why can't i be the one who says goodbye? or at least be the one who says not now. maybe i hate change, but at the same time, I get so bored with a stand still.things aren't supposed to be like this, right? why can't i be happy? Happy with everything. why can't things work out? maybe i'm just an idealist. and this is what life is all about.

day after day i'm more confused. there are some things i'd hate to lose. beginning to think i'm wasting time, don't understand the things i do.

i'm so sick of being tired and so tired of being sick.

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[23 Oct 2003|12:35pm]
[ mood | blank ]

sometimes it's too bright for me to look up or straight ahead. all i have to look at is down. sometimes the cement is too flat. so i just close my eyes. the dark is sometimes better than this. i go out everyday and meet up with Failure and Lonliness. they remind me everyday why i shouldn't be alive.

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